So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
her vagine was all disorganized.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
