You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
