you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
