Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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