we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
