As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
