i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
