his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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