Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
