the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
