were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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