I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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