I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
