apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
