Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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