im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
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Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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