someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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