My nipple is on Facebook.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
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It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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