end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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