Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
