She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
