I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
