I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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