Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
