Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
