The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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