I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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