He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
