Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
