I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
