I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
