see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
