i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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