I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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