My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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