I just pynch a tree in the face
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
