Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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