I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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