my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I supernannyed him into submission
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