erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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