I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
