Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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