I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
