I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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