sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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