i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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