I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
