just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
