i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
