i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
