If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
