I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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