I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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