I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
