Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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