I got chris browned last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
