party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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