do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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