if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
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somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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