i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's always time for handjobs
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
