Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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